Getting out of a dead marriage
By Morgan Baker
When John White’s wife told him their marriage was over, he wasn’t sure how he would make it through. But now three years later, he is grateful she was the strong one.
They were together for more than thirty years, he says. They met when they were in their early 20s, but after time, they grew apart as their two kids grew older. They saw each other less and started to resent each other.
“Why are we still in this, I wondered. It’s not fixable,” White (not his real name), 59, says. They tried counseling at different times, but they couldn’t understand why they couldn’t fix it. His wife finally moved out – and moved back in, but three weeks later, she said she was done.
Divorce after 50, is on the rise. While divorce in general is declining, the numbers for dead-end marriages – those that have ended before the last kid has closed the front door – have doubled according to a study done at the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University. Twenty-five percent of all divorces are people over 50, and 10 percent are people over 65.
“The longer we live the more likely we have time to reflect on whether we have time for another career, or what’s next and am I with the person I want to do that with?”
Heidi Webb, Esq. of Consilium Divorce Consultations in Lincoln, Massachusetts, says “The longer we live the more likely we have time to reflect on whether we have time for another career, or what’s next and am I with the person I want to do that with?”
She says when the life span was in the 70s, people might have sucked it up for ten years, but now that we’re living into our 80s and 90s, we’re less likely to do so. People are looking at whether their partners are compatible with them- one partner may like to golf and ski while the other doesn’t.
She says, “You can tolerate a lot when raising kids together, but when they’re gone…either you’ll be like newlyweds with money, or think Oh my God, this is who I’m looking at for the rest of my life.”
George Binder, 62, (not his real name) a writer in Oregon, who has been divorced for five years, says, “I left for irreconcilable differences. We had a good run. We loved each other at one point, but I moved out. Life became unmanageable. After I left, a great weight was lifted and I’ve never regretted it. I should have made it sooner.”
Divorce isn’t easy and there is never the right time to tell your partner you want out. There are, however, some steps to take to make sure this is the correct step because once you bring it up, there is no going back.
Bill Waters, a recent divorcee and consultant in Boston, says divorce is painful. “Divorce really really sucks. The process is bad. It’s adversarial. The lawyers make a fortune. It’s really ugly. It breaks up friendships and families.”
“Try to do everything you can to save your marriage, but if you’ve grown apart, then you need to be courageous,” says Waters, who at 63 feels 30.
“I have a lot of runway left. I’d rather be lonely alone than really lonely in a bad marriage.”
There is no need to suffer, he says, for the next 10-30 years. “I have a lot of runway left. I’d rather be lonely alone than really lonely in a bad marriage.”
Waters, (not his real name) who was married for four years to his second wife, says everyone’s path is different, but he just walked from his marriage, something he wasn’t proud of. “I felt trapped. It was a primal feeling. Staying married wasn’t fair to her or me. Life’s pretty fragile,” says Waters who lost his first wife of 19 years to cancer.
Abigail Robins, 65, (not her real name) who lives outside of Boston, says don’t end your marriage the way she did. “I was passive-aggressive. I was conflict averse.” So when she began to feel trapped and unhappy after twenty years of a happy marriage and felt she had nowhere to turn, she started to disappear – literally. She went away for weeks and then months at a time to visit friends and family. Her husband, eventually got fed up, had an affair and left.
“Talk to your spouse,” she says. “The minute you have a negative feeling. If you’re talking to your friends and not your spouse, that’s a tip off.”
Michelle Klein, a Certified Divorce Coach in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts, who works with individuals and couples who are at the beginning stages of thinking about divorce, and those in the divorce proceedings, doesn’t necessarily advocate for divorce. She says you should try to take steps to work on your marriage and stay together first. Try therapy or marital resolution techniques, she suggests. There is no easy fix. Those couples who have been communicating all along have a better chance at resolution than those who have let things fester and come to a boiling point.
“Talking about it is best,” she says. You’ll enjoy your life more if you’re not bitter or full of resentment.
Robins agrees. “Swallow your pride and nurture each other.”
A good marriage, according to Waters, allows for individual achievement and personal growth that promotes genuine synergistic connection. Without that foundation, you need to get out.
Post-divorce can be difficult. “The picture of what you had in mind is gone. There is loss,” says Klein. Finances change, living arrangements shift, court can be difficult, settling on visitation if children are young is also complicated.
“The first year was hard,” says White, who owns a landscaping business outside of Boston. “It was painful, lonely. I felt like a failure. I was glad it was over, but I was in mourning, missing the person. The second year was better, and now in the third year, we’re friends again. We rely on each other. We talk about the kids. We share the holidays. We went out to dinner with our son.”
“I’m so glad she did it,” he says. “She’s a strong woman. She set me free.”
After they decided to go forward with their divorce, they agreed to take the high road, he says. They opted out of the “Pitbull” lawyer strategy and did mediation, and after three sessions, were done. They met with a judge in November and White had his divorce decree by New Years.
Webb, the author of “Dissolution to Evolution: Navigating Your Divorce Through The Consilium Process,” established her practice as a way to help clients distill and understand the important factors they will face in divorce, and determine the best process (mediation, arbitration, litigation or collaborative law) for them to pursue to optimize their own results and those of their family.
Managing the financial end of the divorce is particularly challenging in an older divorce as pensions, health care, life insurance, and new tax codes have to be taken into account, as well as savings and property.
Experts say women often come out with their life styles compromised, while men come out socially challenged.
Webb encourages her clients to look at divorce as breaking up a marriage but not a family. “You’ve built a family. You either force a family to restructure or you come together and rebuild it in a different way, optimizing everyone’s outcome…it’s an opportunity for growth,” she says. Historically getting divorced was like setting up a war zone. Instead of thinking of dissolving a partnership, think of it as recreating.
She also encourages anyone thinking of getting divorced to talk it through. Having an affair or announcing you’re leaving as you drop your child off at college, are not necessarily appropriate ways to let your partner know you want out. “Own your own part,” she says. “Or you can’t move on.”
“There’s no easy way to do it,” says Binder. “Talk about it. Don’t let it eat away at you. Take action. Make your feelings known. Go to counseling. I wish I had done it sooner. I’m glad I did it.”
He says, “Listen to the voice in your head.” He acknowledges that people do change in any marriage and go through different chapters, citing his parents’ 65 year-long marriage, but he reiterates, “don’t be miserable. Be as honest as you can, be as giving and forgiving as you can. Acknowledge that you once loved each other and still do.”
“Get out quickly,” says Robins. Her adult daughter told Robins she wishes her parents had divorced when she was in high school and not wait until everyone was out of the house. “Don’t beat a dead horse. It’ll drain everyone,” says Robins. Staying in for the children, she says is the dumbest advice. “The tension is hard on the kids…Kids are very perceptive.”
“The more amicable, the better,” says Klein.
“I don’t regret the past, but I’m enjoying a new chapter,” says Binder.
Webb compares it to a game of chess. “All the pieces are on the board. The more thought you put in beforehand, the better the move,” she says.
“Being selfish backfires,” says Webb. “Consider everyone. Think about the kids, and the other parent.”
Once the split is done, White says, take care of yourself. He got a dog immediately. He also employed services to do some of the jobs he was used to his wife doing. He sent his laundry out. Stock up on toilet paper for a year. His friends recommended that he set his lights and radio on a timer so when he came home at night, it wasn’t to a dark and quiet house.
White says, he’s happy now. He’s meeting new people. Making new friends. “It’s really fun, really nice. Dating is like high school,” he says. “But instead of asking who’s your favorite band, you’re peeling the layers of an onion back.” People have lived and dealt with stuff – parents dying, mental health issues.
“We only have one life. If you can’t make it work. Get happy. Try to get happy.”
Binder started dating through Match.com and after a few false starts found a woman who enjoys the same outdoor activities he does, so much so, he’s going for round two, and getting married again.
“There is life after marriage,” Binder says. “I am happy and optimistic, and able to feel joy again.”
“I’m so happy,” says Robins. “It’s unbelievable. I moved out of the suburbs. I have tons of friends. I’m finding myself, and developing my own interests.”
“I’m not giving one day away,” says Waters. “I’m in charge of my happiness. I can’t rely on someone else. I have to take responsibilities for my actions and errors.”
“I’m just enjoying my life, my family, friends. I don’t need a woman to take care of me,” says White. “We only have one life. If you can’t make it work. Get happy. Try to get happy.”
About the Writer
Morgan Baker is the managing editor of The Bucket. After a year in Hawaii, she is back in Cambridge, where her new adventure is adding a puppy to her family. She teaches writing at Emerson College. Her work can be found in The Boston Globe, The Boston Globe Magazine and The Brevity Blog, among other publications. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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